PreTzel's Top Ten

Oh, I love reading Prezzie's blog! Her top ten list of things she won't do has prompted me to create a list of my own. How she kept it down to ten, I'll never know. She really is uptight, though. No, wait, that's not fair--I guess we're all uptight in our own screwed-up way. For example, I eat and drink after my husband all the time (and I'm a medical assistant, so I know a little about germs--what I remember from school, anyway), but I can't stand for a tongue to touch me anywhere. Ewww!!! I mean, I love my dog, but if she licks me, whatever I'm doing at the time must be stopped and the offending saliva wiped off faster than immediately. Anyway, let me get to my list...drum roll, please, Paul.

The top ten list of..."What Martey Won't Do."

1. No tongues on me.

2. I will not kill or hurt anything intentionally. This includes spiders, mice, ants, June bugs, etc. This does not include people.

3. I agree with Prezzie on the nose-blowing thing. I don't wanna see anyone doing it, and nobody's gonna see me do it.

4. I, too, will not swallow anyone else's bodily fluids. That is just horribly disgusting and anyone who is assholey enough to ask someone to do such a thing needs to be wounded.

5. I will not make my bed. Of course, I wash and change the sheets and blankets, but what's the point of making sure the blankets are smoothly spread and neatly tucked? It's not going to stay that way very long. Making a bed is a waste of time.

6. I will not eat anything that once had a face.

7. When I'm at a family dinner, I refuse to offer to help with the dishes afterwards. Especially my husband's family--they make a person feel so uncomfortable that by the time clean-up time rolls around, I've either already left or I'm putting on my shoes. What's really crazy is watching my sister, aunt, and mother fighting over who gets to do them. You enjoy yourselves, ladies. I'm gonna smoke a bowl and take a nap.

8. I will not go to a Baptist church.

9. I will not baby talk or talk down to children. They're humans just like the rest of us.

10. I will not ever suck on anyone's toes. Eww, EWWW, EEWWWW!!!! You foot-fetish people make me freakin' gag.

Well, anyway, there's my list. I'll probably think of more stuff later that I should've put on there, but oh, well.